I just woke up from a very frustrating dream. So frustrating that I woke up with a loud frustrated groan. It was about VL again, my one dream of the year about her that's been occurring for the past 15 years or so.
In the dream, I had dropped off her and her friend somewhere. I thought she'd go home, but she grabbed her bag and put on a hoodie and started walking around in a very seedy Chinatown type area. At night.
I wanted so badly to go to her, walk with her, talk to her, and spend more time with her, but for some reason I didn't. Probably my old habit of "running away" from her because of terrible relationship advice I received back then that, 17 year later, is looking more and more like a lifelong regret of a missed dear friend.
So I drove away, called my wife to check on my wife and tell her I love her.
But something didn't sit right with me. I turned around and drove back to the area. Just as I was hanging up the phone with my wife, I saw her. I turned around and around again in my car trying to follow her as she walked around. Eventually I caught up with her and called out her name - and realized it wasn't her. The woman continued walking away, with a slight smile on her face (which I'm not sure why).
Eventually I parked and looked for her on foot. I had my laptop with me for some reason and was being heckled for it with veiled threats to steal it. A few times passerbys manage to bump into me and grab a hold onto my laptop. They didn't get it of course. But there were two guys in particular who were particularly persistent and followed me around for a long time, heckling me the entire time. I finally got tired of it and confronted them and they got scared and split. Except one of them continued to follow me, but now seemingly friendly, not in a heckling way.
So I went back to my car, stashed my laptop, and drove around some more. And so it goes for hours - just driving around looking for her, checking in with my wife every so often.
I actually did have VL's number, but for some reason I was compelled NOT to call her - again, remnant of an old habit to "run away" from her. I wish it were not so.
I just woke up from a dream about my own death.
No, not the killed by something kind of death, but a more "natural" kind of death.
It's hard to remember the details - I remember very long road trips with lots of detours. I remember holding on to and hugging and kissing my boys, my wife, and other loved ones, with a somber knowledge and realization that I am about to die.
And at the end, I find myself alone, distant from everyone and anything I knew. Faces blur, people blur. I started writing one last email to "Everyone" to tell them that I had, indeed, died, dying, or about to die - I could no longer tell which.
But the overwhelming emotion: Alone. I never felt so alone. It was cold and painful. It hurts so much because I wanted to just spend more time with my loved ones. There were so many things I wanted to do. And yet my time was up.
To all the people I loved, and even to the ones I don't. To those who knew me well, and those who didn't know me. I wanted to be with my loved ones so badly.
In the end, I stood in front of my grave - a lonely unmarked grave by the side of the street. Alone, in the middle of the night. Cold, I was cold. And I fell, my chest hurting from missing my loved ones more than anything. And from the knowledge that I will no longer be with them. It was too much to bear.
What happened? Did I run away from my loved ones? Ending it with a somber dark humor? An email saying "Well - I died. Sorry."
Or was it a desire that someone, anyone, had kept up, had stayed with me until the bitter end? Even as I try to get away from them?
"Stay with me. Come with me until the very end. I need you."
Such are my thoughts as tears roll down a cold dead face and rigor mortis sets in. Cold. So very cold and alone.
Had a dream the other day where I did a Capoeira takedown move. Not sure why, but I think I was being attacked so I automatically reacted by stopping her. Afterwards I asked her to please stop attacking me. Odd.
It's hard to believe it's been 7 years since last I wrote here.
It's fascinating to re-read the dreams I had. I think I'll start again. And perhaps I'll just do random things in here, too.
It's odd because I typically filter everything I do/say, but it seems I don't filter as much here as nobody knows me here. We'll see what happens :)
--Text copied partly from copperbadge's post here)
Don't click on the link until you read the rest of the post.
ATTACHMENT THERAPY: A SEARCH FOR SURVIVORS.
This blog is for survivors of Attachment Therapy, also referred to as Holding Therapy or Rage Reduction. This is a brutal and sometimes fatal form of abuse masquerading as psychiatric treatment.
Attachment therapy promises quick fixes and firm results and creates lasting scars instead.
If you'd like more details about what Attachment Therapy involves (some of these are graphic), you can visit the blog.
Please post the link and title on your journal.
Some parent's going to be told they should send their child to Attachment Therapy and they're going to get on Google and try to research it. Some survivor is going to start struggling with their experiences and look for help, and they'll get on Google too. The above-linked blog should be the first link anyone sees when they search for Attachment Therapy.
1. If you want to be interviewed, leave me a comment saying "Interview me."
2. I'll ask you 5 questions.
3. Copy and paste the meme instructions in your LJ post in which you answer the questions.
4. Pass it on...
Questions From: http://lilian-cho.livejournal.com
1. What was the last nightmare you remember?
Hm.... Huh... I thought I posted it here in LJ. I guess I should make it a point to write my dreams here more. In reviewing my previous posts, however, I realized how weird my dreams were o.O
Anyway... The last nightmare that I remember is a dream where everything went out of control and nothing makes sense. There was a part where I was typing on MSN to a friend to ask for help, but what shows up on the screen was instead words telling my friend that everything is perfectly fine. I suppose it's almost like Rita Skeeter's magic quill where it types its own version of the story regardless of what Harry said to Rita.
It's kind of odd in retrospect that the dream managed to wake me up in cold sweat. I guess it's just the idea that someone or something is out to get me, makes it blatantly obvious, while yet at the same time nothing I knew or understood is valid anymore: gravity does not always apply, electronics does not necessarily need electricity, people may not really be people, the past was a complete fabrication, and there is nothing makes sense anymore if I were to rely on what I previously knew or understood. In fact, there no longer seem to be any comprehensible pattern or rules or anything...
2. Pretend I'm blindfolded. Describe your favourite room to me.
Here, I could go with something personal or something architectural. I think this time I'll go with architectural.
My favourite room was found in my campus. In order to get to it, you climb a great spiraling staircase like those found in castles. When you enter the room, the first thing you notice is how quiet and still the air is. So quiet and still that you could hear your own breath and heartbeat.
The carpet is rich velvet red, not unlike the color of blood that vampires pour on wine glasses to drink in movies. The walls are lined with rows of bookshelves, protecting, proudly displaying, and offering anyone who dares to disturb the elegance of the atmosphere a chance to read and absorb the wisdom stored in the books.
The ceiling is high and domed, with stained glass windows allowing a whisper of the sun or the moon to enter, if only to accentuate the height and architecture of the ceiling.
The room itself is wrapped in yellow golden light, masking any wrinkles or signs of aging on any ancient text, accentuating instead the maroon leather binding and gold linings. The size of the room itself is unquestionably large as you will discover by the minutes you count walking from one end to the other. Anywhere you turn, you will see elegantly carved wood and stone in various forms: statues, bookshelves, columns, and other details, each telling its own story, its own version of history.
Unfortunately this room no longer exists. A while back the room, and the entire castle-like building that hosts it was "repaired" and "modernized." The "modernized" version of the room now lacks the old elegance and beauty, replacing it instead with the colors of impersonal cold, gray, steel of modernity and technology.
3. What would be worst sense you could lose?
Based on the generally accepted definition of physical senses: touch, taste, sight, hearing, and smell, I would have to say that the worst sense to lose would be sight. Losing hearing would be terrible, too, but to me, not as terrible as losing sight.
4. How many people did you consider to be your best friends (past and present)?
"Best" is a vague term certainly, but I would have to say between 10-20.
5. If you could be anywhere in the world right now, where would you be?
In the world? Next to you.
A couple of nights ago I dreamed I was a black cat... Well, actually, more like I had the ability to turn into a black cat.
I'm not sure why, but I went to some room, packed my clothes into my backpack, then attempted to transform into a cat.
At first I had the backpack on my bare back and could not transform. Then I remembered the words of someone teaching me how to transform, "Remember ... it's just like ..."
So I took off my backpack and attempted the transformation again and succeeded.
But I still needed to carry my backpack because otherwise, where will I get the clothes to wear in human form?
I found out that I could stand on my hind two legs and pick up and wear the backpack. I guess I must have been a relatively large cat, or my backpack had been a bit on the small side because it fit just as well on my feline back side. It felt like it was 5x heavier than it should be however.
Then I trekked in cat form to my destination and stopped by a jacuzzi along the way, transforming back into human form to bathe in it.
Maybe I've been watching too many sci-fi movies. Last night dream is reminiscent of "Alone in the Dark" and "The Island."
Basically there were humanoids and humans. The humanoids, as the name implies, are human-like at least in appearance. However, in function, they are at war with humans and to a certain extent feeds on them (reminiscent of "Stargate Atlantis").
There was a scene (in my dream) where there was an airplane wreck that supposedly the humanoids have checked out (at this point, the humanoids were attempting to appear friendly). I checked the plane again along with my coworker (from my rl office) and found lots of boiled eggs that should have been found by the humanoids(don't ask me why). Conclusion: The humanoids were lying and malevolent (again, don't ask me why).
Anyway, then we all escaped away from the humanoids and warred against them. (I think it goes beyond just the boiled eggs).
Watched a couple of horror movies yesterday although they really weren't scary at all. It makes me wonder though... Considering what I know/experienced of the supernatural and how much it takes to spook me, what would happen if I were to write/direct horror.
Last night I dreamt of a whole jumble of mess.
There was something about taking the bus to work and "parking" my pillow at an empty car parking spot.
There was something also about staying a bit too late at work (11:30pm) and finding out there is no more bus that runs to my apt. (last bus was 11:00pm). There were all sorts of people in the dirty streets (not usually that dirty) where people were smoking freely to the extent of creating a faux fog. People were also loitering in the streets, looking dirty, disheveled, and all in all unfriendly with animosity towards everyone and everything while yet being ignorant of everyone and everything.
There was something about being at home and having a church service in my messy living room at 10:00am (the morning service that I go to). Then after taking a nap, was awakened at about 4:00pm by yet another preacher for the evening service beginning his preaching with a sort of joke. The joke was something about a janitor who was giving a report about the boys' restroom. He was saying something about how non-white kids were peeing on the floor. Not any particular ethnicity, but just mixed of all kinds. When asked how he knows, he said something along the lines of "do you suppose they were drinking orange juice? It was red. What a rich sample!"
I suppose the joke was about how the janitor obviously found blood on the floor instead of urine. When the preacher wasn't met with an enthusiastic laugh, he apologized for a lame joke. Apparently this preacher was a guest speaker from another state and was preaching next door for the "Chinese Congregation" (has no bearing on rl facts) and being broadcast live over the radio at the same time.
Anyway, odd dreams aside, I wonder why I experience so many things beyond the realm of "normal." Am I simply more observant and unwilling to turn a blind eye? Or is it something more?
Finally watched Robotz last night. Was very nice. I think I may get the DVD someday.
Been active in DA and obsessively checking DA for updates and such from people I watch whilst yet wondering/hoping more people would fav my works and watch me.
Makes me wonder sometimes why I post here, but I suppose some activity is better than none.
Lately I've dreamt of various rl people which I think is evoked by rl feelings/thoughts.
Last night I did dream something about the very mysterious, sudden, and painful death of two different people almost completely unrelated except for the fact that exactly two weeks before their demise, they happen to be in a room next to another room where one particular person died of similar causes (the progeny?).
It appears that it was some kind of sickness or pathogen. However, now that I think about it, it almost seem like a curse or scourge.